ID-100297384I’ve been considering writing this post for a long time now. It was reading #ShoutYourAbortion that I even admitted it for the first time online. I was never ashamed, but with the stigma attached to abortions – I just never talked about it.

Whenever I referred to my abortion, I always just referred to it as my miscarriage. Why? Because people don’t respond to miscarriage the same as they do an abortion. And well, technically, I was having a miscarriage.

Jamie and I had been together a year (October 13th) when I found out I was pregnant. I was going to be 19 (December 3rd) and health insurance wasn’t exactly a luxury I could afford. Hell, it wasn’t even something I had when I was under 18 simply because my parents were at that line where they made too much money for assistance yet didn’t make enough to regularly make ends meet. (Frankly, that’s the story of my life.)

I had taken a home pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t exactly sure when conception occurred because I had just switched birth control pills and my cycle was irregular. Anyhow, since I had no health insurance and had become pregnant, I had to prove my pregnancy in order to obtain Medicaid. The only place I had to turn was my counties only Planned Parenthood.

I made the appointment. Got the information I needed to prove my pregnancy. Applied for Medicaid, but before I could even get my approval letter – I fell ill. Really ill. A fever. Chills. Cramps like you can’t imagine. And then I noticed the vaginal bleeding along with a discharge.

I was about 9 weeks along when showed up at my local emergency department. Crawled into a ball as they gave me IV fluids and pulled blood from me. It wasn’t long after that I’d be sent for the transvaginal ultrasound.

My babies heart beat was slowing down to the point where it was almost non-exist. I can’t remember the exact number but I remember the expression on the technicians face when she performed my ultrasound. Not long after that I had pelvic exam where the Dr told me the discharge was most likely an infection and cultures were taken.

The results would devastate me. I had what they referred to as a septic miscarriage. I had developed a uterine infection, which was causing a miscarriage.

My only course of treatment was dilation and curettage (D & C), the most common first trimester abortion method, along with broad spectrum antibiotics.

I had an abortion to save my life on my 19th birthday. (I tweeted out that I was 18, but I had the year wrong.) It was the hardest and most emotional thing I’ve ever had to do. It almost tore apart our relationship, though, I was broken. I lost a lot of weight (more than 30 lbs).

It wasn’t the fact that I had an abortion that broke me. It was that voice in my head telling me there was something wrong with me and I’d never be able to have children. All of which was nonsense as I now have two healthy boys. But at the time I felt like less of a woman. Again, that was ludicrous.

I guess that it was probably the fact that in my pre-teen years my mother had an ectopic pregnancy and during that time she was diagnosed with endometrial cancer. I watched her go through the emotional process of accepting she’d never have children again because she needed to have a hysterectomy. I suppose a part of me always feared this would happen to me before I even had a chance to have children especially considering my mother wasn’t even 35 when this happened and reproductive organ cancers, for female family members, are common on both sides of my family.

As I mentioned before, I wanted to write this post awhile ago, but it was #ShoutYourAbortion that pushed me to finally talk about exactly what happened. The hashtag is about removing the stigma that abortion is murder.

And while my story is one that some people say is “okay” by them – there are still those who call me a “baby murdering whore” purely for having an abortion. I reject the stigma. I live with no regrets. I don’t have to provide an explanation for my decision. Neither does any other person whose had or considering an abortion.

I stand with Planned Parenthood. I support the right to choose. And in doing so I stand with,  supporting, those in (or looking for the courage to be in) #ShoutYourAbortion sharing (or not sharing) their experiences.

Photo by dream designs and credited to Free Digital Images.

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I'm a 27 year old sex toy enthusiast who likes to write about it and take pics. I've been blogging since 2012 under BeckAndHerKinks. I'm a spoiled bitch and Daddy's girl. Married with two children and not your typical stay at home mommy. Read more about me...

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